


My Old Flame

by Adarian



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-02 13:47:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2814161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adarian/pseuds/Adarian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Surana visits Skyhold, unresolved feelings between her and Cullen lead to a tryst in the Chantry. Lavellan tosses him out and he is forced to confront himself. Written for a kink-meme prompt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Old Flame

Lavellan fretted in front of the mirror, trying to get her short hair to stay in the finger curls that Leliana had assisted her with.

"Do I look alright?" She called out over her shoulder.

Cullen smiled and nodded. His lover indeed would have looked beautiful if she was wearing a burlap sack. Her dark skin and even darker hair contrasted beautifully with a soft yellow dress, clinging close to her chest and flowing out from her waist. Her tattoos, recently redarkened, brought out her green eyes. She noticed him watching her and she grinned.

"Are you almost ready to go down?" She asked.

"I hate these parties," Cullen grumbled, "I know it's all political, but it just frustrates me so. Dignitaries no one cares about, squabbles that mean nothing-"

"But it is so much more fun having you there," she teased, coming to straighten his collar, "My beautiful, sexy Commander. I love all the nobles looking at you like that."

"It's annoying," he grumbled.

"It's your fault for being so attractive."

Cullen chuckled and she kissed him softly. He cupped her face before she pulled away.

"Come on, we shouldn't keep them all waiting," Lavellan said, "Will you escort me, Commander?"

He took her arm in his and led her down the stairs into the great hall, converted into a dance floor, with a few refreshments and drinks being served in the garden. After they reached the floor, she was almost immediately taken from him, laughing as she ran off with Josephine.

Cullen looked around, trying to find a friendly face. He awkwardly waved to a man he thought he knew from the Free Marches, but indeed, did not. Embarrassed, he went out towards the gardens, trying to stop blushing.

It was almost like he felt her presence before he saw her. As if in a dream, Cullen turned, seeing Cassandra talking to an elven woman, decorated in a creamy white dress. He froze as their eyes met and he felt himself walking over without intending to. 

"Commander," Cassandra introduced, "This is Warden-Commander Noam Surana of Ferelden."

"We've met," Surana said softly.

"I was serving at the Circle," Cullen explained, "I oversaw her Harrowing."

Their eyes met again. She was nearly ten years older than when they had last seen each other. He could see it in her laugh lines, her face maturing. They had been practically kids when they knew each other. Before she had been pretty, but now...there was an even greater beauty to her face. He knew he should stop staring at her, but he felt like he never wanted to look away.

Cassandra coughed, "I should...um...make sure Varric isn't telling any embarrassing secrets to the nobility...um..."

She ran off, leaving the pair of them. Surana broke the gaze first, looking towards the flower beds.

"I heard...I heard they weren't able to find you," Cullen said awkwardly, "Not that you're not welcome here, just...

Surana admitted, "I wasn't going to come at first, but when I heard about Adamant, I knew I should. Actually...King Alistair told me to, to be honest. I was worried..."

"About seeing me again?" He asked, his heart sinking.

She said nothing, walking towards the Chantry. He followed her, closing the door behind him. In the darker light, the smells of candles, it was easy enough to remember her mouth on his, her fingers on his skin-

"We should talk about this," she said firmly, "I'm going to be here for a few days, I don't want it to be awkward. I know you're the Inquisitor's lover. I think it's sweet. She's young, but she's...cute. I can see why you like her."

"She's..." Cullen tried to begin. He wanted to say that he loved Lavellan, loved her little laugh, her bright eyes, her big heart. But all he could see was the woman before him and see bits of her in his current lover. After all these years, when he finally loved again, he chose someone who looked so much like her. 

"I should have written you," he apologized, "I kept meaning to-I just-I-"

"It would have been nice to know you survived Kirkwall," she said bitterly, "I spent weeks worrying before Nate told me. Then...I guess, it's been three years since then. With everything, I wasn't sure if you were still safe."

"I'm sorry," Cullen said, "I really...Maker..."

"It's okay," she said, looking away, "What I just wanted to say is that we should be honest with each other right now. We haven't seen each other in a decade and I've heard from you maybe a dozen times. You've moved on and I'm really, really happy for you, I am. You deserve to be happy."

"And what about you?" He asked.

Surana smiled sadly, "I'm a Warden. We don't have the luxury of being happy."

She caught herself and said, "I should go." 

She leaned in and kissed his cheek. The smell of her made him groan involuntarily. He had no right to be acting like this. She was being gracious. He had been the one to end things, after the civil war. He would always remember standing on the dock, watching her go back to the shore. 

As if knowing what he was thinking, she whispered, "You did the right thing. I wish I could have helped you after...after everything that happened at the Tower. But the last thing you needed was a living reminder."

His dreams of her still straddled the line between nightmare and fantasy. The demon tempted him with images of her, images of the two of them together. Sometimes it was hard to remember what was a memory of her and an illusion created from temptation. At the time, he couldn't separate them at all. When she returned for him, he was unable to do anything but throw her out.

But this he knew was real, right then. In a moment, they would return to the party and back to the lives they now had. But this was a space in between, protected from everything else. Untainted. 

"I did need you," he admitted, I...I never stopped needing you."

She moved closer to him, placing a hand on his chest. His hands touched the small of her back, pulling her to him. His heart threatened to burst through his chest. She looked up at him, her tears glistening in the light.

"I shouldn't have come here," she whispered, "I thought I could handle this, I thought-"

He kissed her, his hand running through her hair. She groaned into his touch and kissed him back, pushing him against the wall.

"I still love you," he whispered, "I never stopped."

"We should stop," she said, her voice shaking, "We shouldn't do something we regret...anyone could just come in-"

She stopped protesting as he kissed down her neck. He flipped her and tore her thin panties off. She hiked her dress up, wrapping her legs around his thighs. He pushed down his pants to his knees. She kissed him again before he thrust into her. He gasped, the familiar heat, the familiar moans beneath him. He half thought he'd come undone right there and then.

"I love you," she murmured, kissing his neck.

He moved in her, whimpering at the sensation. She wrapped her arms around his neck, nuzzling into him as he moved faster. She panted into his ear and he desperately wanted to pull the rest of her clothes off. He wanted every inch of her, wanted her screaming and pleading. They were so used to being quiet, trysts in corners, in...

He looked up, seeing the statue of Andraste, arms reaching out to them. She pulled him back to her, kissing her hard. He groaned and pounded into her. She cried out and he stifled her with his hand. She pulled on his hair, wrapping it around her fingers. He stopped, letting her to her feet before flipping her over. He entered her from behind and she spread her legs. He reached under the skirts and found her clit, rubbing it. She arched her back, grunting as she bucked against him. She came first, clenching around him. He gripped her hip as he jutted forward, crying out. He kept rubbing her clit and thrusting even as he grew softer and sensitive. He just didn't want to stop being inside of her.

He withdrew and kissed her hungrily.

"This can't happen again," he whispered guiltily. 

"I know," she murmured.

"We should...um..."

"I'll go out first," she said, "You go out in a few minutes."

He stood transfixed as she left, adjusting her dress. He picked up her destroyed panties and put them in his jacket pocket. He would toss them in the fire the first chance he had. He glanced back at Andraste and tried to catch his breath.

"Stop looking at me like that. It's not like you were exactly faithful either," he grumbled.

Cullen adjusted his clothes and smoothed his hair. A minute more. Then he would find Lavellan and pretend none of this had ever happened. When he was ready, he opened the door and walked back into the garden. He ignored Surana and went straight to Lavellan, kissing her cheek.

"Needed to get away for awhile?" She joked cheerfully.

"Just too many people," he lied.

"Well, a few more hours. You can handle that, I imagine," she said, squeezing his hand. 

He glanced over at the Warden, deep in conversation with Leliana and Josephine, laughing at something the latter had said. If she could pretend all was well, then he could too. It wasn't as if she had said she loved him, or that he had been inside her moments before. That his seed was still between her legs. 

"Come dance with me," Lavellan said, taking his hand.

He walked back with her into the main hall. As a waltz began, he put a hand on her waist and led her into the steps.

"Did you enjoy yourself?" She asked sweetly.

"What do you mean?" Cullen asked nervously.

"You know, Leliana warned me before she invited the Warden," Levallan chuckled darkly, "She told me the two of you were in love once. But I told her it had been ten years. We are madly in love, I said, I trust him more than I trust anyone else. But...less than an hour, Cullen, less than sixty minutes, and you-"

He closed his eyes and she whispered angrily, "And you're screwing her in your precious Chantry? Inches away from me and every dignitary this side of Orlais? You couldn't even..."

He whispered, "How did-"

"Leliana has ears everywhere in Skyhold," she reminded, "I asked her...Creators, I asked her to keep an eye on you."

"It's clear," Levallan said, "How you feel about her...but..."

He whispered, "I love you. I do. I...I got carried away in a moment."

"I knew you would," she murmured, "I didn't even trust you...I just waited for confirmation...Creators, Cullen. If...if this were any other time, I would run out of this room. I want to scream and yell, but right now...right now we need to keep dancing. If the Inquisitor started a fight with the Hero of Ferelden or threw her Commander out on the streets, it would look bad for us."

Cullen said nothing. He owed her that much.

"When the party is over," Lavellan said softly, her voice hitching slightly, "I don't want to see you again. Go with your men...anywhere. Whatever mission you want. I just need time away from you. I...it's fine, Cullen. I'll stop being angry one day. I guess...I guess I was hoping I was the love of your life...that's silly, now that I think about it..."

He desperately wanted to hold her and plead with her. But he knew that she would only resent him and he knew the minute they let go, it was over. So they danced. 

****

Lavellan left the great hall when the party was done, letting Josephine handle any official farewells. Her first instinct was to find Warden Surana and scream at her, but she decided not to. Cullen had cheated, not her. 

Her second instinct was much wiser. She tracked him down in the tavern, dragging him upstairs to his own room. Iron Bull was hesitant to follow, but when they tumbled into bed together, he was eager to do whatever she asked of him.

She did not leave until the next day, the pair spending the entire night talking and making love. When she finally returned to her own chambers, Cullen had already long left Skyhold.

****

It was quiet along the Western Approach. Cullen watched the sands sweep across the lands, sitting alone by his fire. The Bull's Chargers were camping nearby and with their leader still at Skyhold, Cullen was effectively their superior for the time being. He had little desire for company however and had spent much of the past few weeks on his own.

The nightmares had been worse since he had left. He was barely able to sleep, guilt building in him. He hated himself for hurting Lavellan...hated himself for hurting Surana. If he had just kept himself away, none of this would have happened. Would it have been so hard? 

His hands were shaking and he tried to catch his breath. It had been hard. For years Surana had plagued his thoughts. To know she was so near, safe and alive, it would have been torture not to see her. But to throw away such a good thing so easily, just for a few moments with a woman he hadn't seen in years...

"Commander?"

Cullen looked up, seeing Krem standing before him, a bottle of wine in his hand.

"Can I join you?" He asked.

"I have a feeling I don't have much of a choice in the matter," Cullen joked.

Krem plunked down beside him, "Commander, you've avoided everyone for weeks. Now I don't mind being in charge, but it gets draining after awhile. But, a good leader talks to his men. So what's wrong, Commander?"

Cullen said, "Nothing."

Krem gestured around, "Sir, we're in the middle of nowhere, miles from any civilization. I'm asking as a concerned colleague and I'm from Tevinter. Whatever you tell me, I've probably heard worse."

Cullen said quietly, "I cheated on her."

Krem took a swig from the bottle and said, "Tell me about it."

"There was a woman that I was...involved with before the Blight in Ferelden," Cullen explained, "But after the war, it was difficult to be around her, everything was tied up in her. I loved her, but it hurt too much to be with her. So I ended it. We kept in touch over the years, but I tried to forget her. It was easier that way. But when I saw her again...it was like everything I had tried to push away came flooding back. I knew what I was doing but it was...desperate."

"Does the Inquisitor know?"

Cullen nodded, "She told me to leave. I feel so guilty. I love her, I do, and I wish I hadn't ever hurt her...but I can't imagine not having done it. I wish I had never seen Surana, I wish I could just have stayed with Lavellan, I wish I could just have forgotten and just been...happy."

Cullen sighed, "It was good for everything to just be easy for once." 

"Commander, permission to be frank?"

Cullen nodded.

"You've got this all screwed up in your head," Krem said, "It's like...you want to ignore those ten years and start over. But we don't get to just start over. They happened to you. You got to deal with that, sir. If you love Lady Lavellan, then you got to recognize that."

Cullen ran his hand through his hair, "Shit."

"Exactly," Krem said, handing him the bottle.

Cullen took a swig. 

"So the question is," Krem said, "Do you want to be the man you were before?"

Cullen hesitated, "I don't know...I don't know if I can be."

"Can you be with either of these woman as the man you are?" Krem asked.

Cullen thought about it, "I love them both, but it's..."

Krem took the bottle and drank as Cullen continued, "It's different. With Idril, the Inquisitor, it's like everything's new and fresh. She's not afraid, she's so idealistic and...young. It makes me feel like I can put everything behind me and start anew. And I do love her and it's different than I've ever felt before."

Cullen smiled sadly, "But with Surana...I don't know how to explain it, Lieutenant. It's like she's always been part of me. Part of it is the nightmares, it's hard to separate sometimes what was real and what was an illusion. Even after when I couldn't be in the same room as her, I still needed her. But I couldn't. But when I saw her...Maker, the first time I saw her in person in years, it just reminded me...I've never felt as hopeful and happy as I have with my Lady. But with Surana...it's like I finally feel whole."

Cullen drank again from the bottle and Krem leaned forward.

Cullen said quietly, "I'm hiding from her. I've always been hiding from her. I keep thinking I can cut her out and move on...but I can't. And now...now when I finally have my head on straight, I can see that. But that's so unfair to Maitri...Maker...no woman deserves to help a man through the depths of hell only for him to leave her for another."

"I don't think you were ever really hers," Krem said.

Krem tossed the bottle aside, "I'm getting drunk and sentimental. Look, the girl's left you and you're not sure she was the right one for you anyways. So let her go. Let her be happy. And tomorrow in the morning when you're sober, you figure out what you want to do."

"Thank you," Cullen said quietly.

Krem waved him off, "I just hate hearing a grown man cry. Sleep well, Commander."

Cullen sighed and rose, going towards his own tent. 

****

Lavellan woke up to Iron Bull curling around her small frame. She giggled as he kissed down her neck.

"I should go, kadan," he murmured.

"Stay," she said, pulling him towards her, "I'm not done with you yet."

He smiled, nuzzling against her, "I live to serve."

****

It was nearly three months before Cullen returned to Skyhold. Their caravan came through the gates with little fanfare. He picked up his bags without a word, climbing the stairs to his tower. He climbed up the ladder, tossing his gear on the ground. He laid on his bed, tired and aching. Yet his heart was easier than it had been in a long time. Fighting beside his soldiers, talking at night with Krem and the others, he felt like he was able to see himself as he was. Cullen Rutherford the Knight-Captain, the Commander, even the child in Honnleath. It was the same person again and again. He had never lost himself. Instead, this same man had survived.

And that was nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to hide nor regret. But something to accept, something to...almost be proud of. But after all these weeks apart, he still was not entirely sure what to say to his former lover. He had betrayed her trust and their love for each other. 

Perhaps when he saw her, everything would become clear. 

"The Lady Inquisitor would like to see you," a page called from the lower level, "She's waiting in the War Council."

Cullen said, "Tell her I'll be there shortly."

He changed into fresh clothes and climbed back down the ladder, combing his hair through his fingers. He took a deep breath as he walked the path to the castle, wringing his hands before he entered the room.

Lavellan was dressed regally as she sat facing the board, her black hair swept up with a white lily, her body clad in a gold dress that sparkled like the sun.

He knelt before her as she rose to close the door.

"How is my Commander?" She asked evenly.

"Better for being home, my Lady," he admitted.

"I want to establish what the rules are now that you are here," she said, running her hand across the table, "It is over. I have no intention of taking you back. Ever. From now on, I will treat you as a colleague and nothing more."

"Yes, my Lady," Cullen said, wincing.

"You should know," she said, more softly, "That Bull and I have been together since you have left. It's become...serious."

Cullen smiled, "That is...good, my Lady."

"Are you being sincere?" She asked with a laugh.

"I am," he said softly, "I care about you, my Lady. More than anyone I have in a long time...but I can never be the man you deserve. You deserve to be happy. And I want you to be happy."

She knelt beside him and held him. He nuzzled against her neck, letting her stroke the back of his head.

"Oh you foolish man," she whispered, "We could have been happy, you and me."

Cullen said quietly, "Perhaps."

She kissed the top of his head as she pulled away. Cullen rose to his feet, letting her take his hands as she helped him stand.

"There's a woman in the gardens," Lavellan said, wiping tears from her eyes, "She said it was important that you speak with her. Regarding...the Warden."

Cullen looked away as she continued, "You were wrong to do what you did, but I think you know that. But whatever it is between the two of you...you need to figure that out."

Lavellan squeezed his hand before letting go, "I have to leave for Orlais soon. But I wanted to see you before I went. Are we...are we okay?"

"We will be," Cullen said, "I hope so...I care about you."

"Me too," she said softly, touching his cheek, "But it's going to take some more time before I can talk like this with you again."

He nodded, watching her leave the room. He left as well, exiting the castle and into the gardens. He paused, seeing the raven-haired woman across the way, sitting on a bench with a child, reading over his shoulder. She looked up, sending the child off before waving Cullen over to her.

Cullen sat down beside her, watching her curiously.

"Do you remember me?" She asked.

"You travelled with Surana," he said, "Morrigan, I think. Forgive me, it has been a very long time."

"It has," she admitted, "But you remember correctly. I find our paths have crossed once more. Which is good, there is something I would say to you."

Morrigan glanced out, watching her son play with one of the children nearby.

"I was with her at the end," Morrigan said, "When the Archdemon was slain. She was badly injured when we brought her back down and I refused to leave her side. She and I have been like sisters all these years and there are few secrets between us."

Morrigan looked back over at Cullen and said gently, "She told me that you were her greatest regret. She thought if she had only reached you faster she might have saved you some pain. Whatever she did after the war, she wanted you to be happy. And she thought that meant without her. All these years...the woman still loves you, she always has."

"Did she speak to you about-"

Morrigan rolled her eyes, "Of course, Commander. All of Skyhold has gossiped about it, even before I arrived. Surana wrote to me regardless. I was not surprised. Perhaps it is finally time you both stop punishing yourselves for things that were out of your control."

"Do you know where she is?" He asked hesitantly.

Morrigan nodded, "She wrote to me only a few days ago. It would not be a long journey. If you bring me a map, I will show you."

"Thank you," Cullen murmured.

He rose to go and Morrigan gestured for him to stop. She walked over and took his hand in hers, as if affectionately.

"If you break that woman's heart, I will break each of your bones, heal them, and break them again," Morrigan said, "Are we clear?"

Cullen nodded nervously.

"Then you should hurry, Commander," she smirked, "You shouldn't waste another moment." 

****

Cullen made it to the banks of the Circle Tower by sundown. He tracked her through the forests, eventually finding her tent near a small clearing. She stood at hearing him, the fire reflecting in her eyes.

"What are you-"

Cullen put his hands up and said, "I can't change the last ten years."

She folded her arms over her chest as he continued rapidly, "I've been running for nearly a decade from everything that happened to us during the war. I blamed magic, I blamed myself, I blamed you. But we did nothing wrong, Noam. We were young. I would have died to save you and you nearly died to save me. But then I was afraid, I was so afraid, but I'm done with that now."

He shook as he whispered, "We got caught up in things we couldn't change. I thought if I left you behind, then I could move on...but the truth is that..."

She walked to his side and touched his cheek. He leaned into her touch.

"I should have gone through them with you," he said finally.

"Is it over with her?" She asked.

He nodded.

Surana leaned up and kissed him softly. He pulled her into his arms, cradling the back of her head in his hand. They held each other, her arms wrapping around his waist. She buried her head in his shoulder as she started to cry. He picked her up and brought her into the tent, lying in the bedroll with her. He found himself crying too and they curled into the other's body, touching the other as they fell asleep.

****

He woke in the morning, seeing Surana snoring beside him. He laughed. The first time he had ever slept in the same bed as her, and she was completely dead to the world. 

He snuggled to her, closing his eyes. There was still time.


End file.
